I'm so very sad at the moment....
I never understood y in my life I've done the things I've done. I've always dated the wrong guys, gotten pregnant. Dated verbally abusive guys, ditched my family, never kept any friends...
I never understood why I was the way I was.
After another horrible arguement with the family (one of thousands I've had over the years) I realized that the reason why I act the way I do is not because of my dad. I haven't been trying to escape my dad. I' trying to escape and please my mom. She's always been abusive, verbally and sometimes physically. She admits that she loves me but theres some intrinsic things about me that she doesn't like. Which comes off like she doesn't like me. It never occurred to me that the reason why I always dated psychotic controlling men is because I'm trying in a way to make my mom love me by making men that act like her love me. I was always trying to hard to be with a man because I was trying to create the family I was never able to have. I've heard of women doing this with their dads, but never their moms. But for some reason today it dawned on me that the controlling ways of my x's and their inability to love me resemble my mom. Because my dad may have ignored me at times and been strict, but I know I can get a lot out of my dad. He always falls for me and in the end he is very proud of me. It's my mom that I can't please.
And my x's always controlling, always verbally abusive, always CRAZY, always have that inability to love me the way I always wanted... JUST LIKE MY MOTHER! Weird huh?!
Now I know what the problem is... I don't know how to fix it. Psychologists always refer to the story when talking about this complex about the young woman who had an alcoholic abusive father. And then they put her in a room full of guys and she will always find her way to the ONLY alcoholic in the room.... That's me, but I always find the emotionally detached, verbally abusive lunatic! How in the world can u avoid verbally abusive emotionally detached lunatics?! They don't exactly wear signs.
Maybe I need to just give up on men, or let someone pick them for me. Something along those lines.
How do I fix the problem with my mother? Move out. The problem will never be fixed. She will never like me. She will always be pissed at me. She will always try to control me and use hurt to do it. The only thing I can do is accept that, try my best not to do it to my son, and try to avoid living the unstable disgusting anger filled lifestyle she has tried to teach me over the years is ok to live in.
Sounds good huh....
As far as the hair... it's growing! I can't wait till 3 yrs. August will be 2 yrs so right now is like 21 yrs!!! yay for me! BTW the pics are different stuff. THe straight back shot is my hair wet from the back now... it's grown a lot. And the other shots are of the bantu knots, and what they looked like when taken down! One of the best curls yet for me....
ttyl!
