Sunday, May 30, 2010

not much of nothing

I'm so very sad at the moment....

I never understood y in my life I've done the things I've done.  I've always dated the wrong guys, gotten pregnant.  Dated verbally abusive guys, ditched my family, never kept any friends...

I never understood why I was the way I was.

After another horrible arguement with the family (one of thousands I've had over the years)  I realized that the reason why I act the way I do is not because of my dad.  I haven't been trying to escape my dad.  I' trying to escape and please my mom.  She's always been abusive, verbally and sometimes physically.  She admits that she loves me but theres some intrinsic things about me that she doesn't like.  Which comes off like she doesn't like me.  It never occurred to me that the reason why I always dated psychotic controlling men is because I'm trying in a way to make my mom love me by making men that act like her love me.  I was always trying to hard to be with a man because I was trying to create the family I was never able to have.  I've heard of women doing this with their dads, but never their moms.  But for some reason today it dawned on me that the controlling ways of my x's and their inability to love me resemble my mom.  Because my dad may have ignored me at times and been strict, but I know I can get a lot out of my dad.  He always falls for me and in the end he is very proud of me.  It's my mom that I can't please.

And my x's always controlling, always verbally abusive, always CRAZY, always have that inability to love me the way I always wanted... JUST LIKE MY MOTHER!  Weird huh?!

Now I know what the problem is... I don't know how to fix it.  Psychologists always refer to the story when talking about this complex about the young woman who had an alcoholic abusive father.  And then they put her in a room full of guys and she will always find her way to the ONLY alcoholic in the room.... That's me, but I always find the emotionally detached, verbally abusive lunatic! How in the world can u avoid verbally abusive emotionally detached lunatics?!  They don't exactly wear signs.  

Maybe I need to just give up on men, or let someone pick them for me.  Something along those lines.

How do I fix the problem with my mother?  Move out.  The problem will never be fixed.  She will never like me.  She will always be pissed at me.  She will always try to control me and use hurt to do it.  The only thing I can do is accept that, try my best not to do it to my son, and try to avoid living the unstable disgusting anger filled lifestyle she has tried to teach me over the years is ok to live in.

Sounds good huh....

As far as the hair... it's growing!  I can't wait till 3 yrs.  August will be 2 yrs so right now is like 21 yrs!!! yay for me! BTW the pics are different stuff.  THe straight back shot is my hair wet from the back now... it's grown a lot.  And the other shots are of  the bantu knots, and what they looked like when taken down!  One of the best curls yet for me....


Sunday, February 28, 2010

More retightenings!

I'm not sure that it's that interesting, when you have locks you just retighten them all the time.  But when I first started mine I wanted a step by step detailed thing, so I guess I'll try and keep up.  So I made some new lock latching tools.  I like the hook, kind of, but..... well sometimes it does pull strands of hair, also it doesn't work at all with the edges, or the really tiny ones, only on the slightly smaller ones.

I realized also that my locks are technically micro's to smalls.

I want to also keep dying my hair.  I need to find someone that does it, because I will not be doing that myself ever ever! again.  Wow, that is a horrible experience!

at this point right now it's.... 19 months!  woooo hoooo!

I met a woman at my hospital with sisterlocks.  She said she gets hers combined because she can't stand them that small, she said they break a lot.  Hers are sooo tiny and neat!  But she keeps them short.  I won't be doing that, at least not until I'm much older.  Right now I plan on becoming the little mermaid!  We shall see how long the Lord allows me to get there.

I plan on moving!

I'm hoping to move to arizona.  I'm dating a guy right now but I don't care!  I'm not staying for him, and if he stays then it's over for us!

Right now living in CT I know that I cannot afford to live here.  Houses average around $300,000.  My cousin just bought a home in oklahoma for $40,000.  Now that I can purchase flat out living here in CT.  I make good money, I also live with my parents.  Within a year I could have the down payment for half the house!  and have minimal monthly payments.  I know it won't be a beautiful house, but at least I can have one.  I have poor credit, so I know I will never be able to afford a house here!  Never!

I'm just upset because my bf doesn't understand.  But he's quite a but younger than me and I tried to explain to him that we are at 2 different points.  I have to think about my son, and I want to raise him in a home in a good area.  Not in an inner city in an $1,500 a month cheap-ola apt barely scraping by!

It's amazing, but that's the way society's set up, and if they don't want me here in CT, that's fine, other states will take me!

And with my dreds I won't have to spend tremendous amounts on HAIR!  


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Well there's not much going on in my hair life... I've redyed it and I'm just waiting for it to grow..... I want it to be long and neat NOW!  I's so jealous of all those with long dreds.  But people keep telling me that it's a process..... UGH! Well this is a process I don't like!

I cut out most of the extensions but some I left in and just cut as much as I could.  They tell you on youtube that they're not permenant and they will come out..... please!  They are not coming out as I'd like, so not the length is uneven....  Oh well that was a little mistake!  At least I didn't do my whole head.  No more extensions, real or fake!
I wanted to dye my head blond for a moment, but I had a rude awakening.  I like having my hair a dark brown but dying it is tedious and it's obvious I need someone to do it for me because the dred core does not dye at the same pace as my roots... and my edges.... my gosh, they dye like a white girls head!  And the back won't take at all!  

Lesson learned from that? 
Have a professional do it!

LOL. Doesn't it say that on the label?  ha.  I'm a knucklehead.

Well just updating for all those who follow me, I'll post recent pics.

I am at 18 months!  wow time flies... I'll never ever go back to perms....

(on the fish pic you can obviously see my extensions!!! WOW, randomly long... I don't like them now)

(And on the last pic as well you can see how they're just randomly longer and weird compared to the length of my hair! ohhh I wish I didn't do that, now I can't take it out! ugh)