Sunday, May 30, 2010

not much of nothing






I'm so very sad at the moment....

I never understood y in my life I've done the things I've done.  I've always dated the wrong guys, gotten pregnant.  Dated verbally abusive guys, ditched my family, never kept any friends...

I never understood why I was the way I was.

After another horrible arguement with the family (one of thousands I've had over the years)  I realized that the reason why I act the way I do is not because of my dad.  I haven't been trying to escape my dad.  I' trying to escape and please my mom.  She's always been abusive, verbally and sometimes physically.  She admits that she loves me but theres some intrinsic things about me that she doesn't like.  Which comes off like she doesn't like me.  It never occurred to me that the reason why I always dated psychotic controlling men is because I'm trying in a way to make my mom love me by making men that act like her love me.  I was always trying to hard to be with a man because I was trying to create the family I was never able to have.  I've heard of women doing this with their dads, but never their moms.  But for some reason today it dawned on me that the controlling ways of my x's and their inability to love me resemble my mom.  Because my dad may have ignored me at times and been strict, but I know I can get a lot out of my dad.  He always falls for me and in the end he is very proud of me.  It's my mom that I can't please.

And my x's always controlling, always verbally abusive, always CRAZY, always have that inability to love me the way I always wanted... JUST LIKE MY MOTHER!  Weird huh?!

Now I know what the problem is... I don't know how to fix it.  Psychologists always refer to the story when talking about this complex about the young woman who had an alcoholic abusive father.  And then they put her in a room full of guys and she will always find her way to the ONLY alcoholic in the room.... That's me, but I always find the emotionally detached, verbally abusive lunatic! How in the world can u avoid verbally abusive emotionally detached lunatics?!  They don't exactly wear signs.  

Maybe I need to just give up on men, or let someone pick them for me.  Something along those lines.

How do I fix the problem with my mother?  Move out.  The problem will never be fixed.  She will never like me.  She will always be pissed at me.  She will always try to control me and use hurt to do it.  The only thing I can do is accept that, try my best not to do it to my son, and try to avoid living the unstable disgusting anger filled lifestyle she has tried to teach me over the years is ok to live in.

Sounds good huh....


As far as the hair... it's growing!  I can't wait till 3 yrs.  August will be 2 yrs so right now is like 21 yrs!!! yay for me! BTW the pics are different stuff.  THe straight back shot is my hair wet from the back now... it's grown a lot.  And the other shots are of  the bantu knots, and what they looked like when taken down!  One of the best curls yet for me....

ttyl!

27 comments:

  1. Hun your locs are gorgeous!! We have the same start month of Aug 08.

    As far as your mom goes, moving out will be the best thing for you! Make this happen ASAP!!! You don't owe anything to her. Do not internalize her bad behavior as something you should be responsible for. Nor do you need to feel like you have to take whatever she does because she is your mother. Whatever the hell is going on with her is HER problem not yours. It was HER's and your DAD's choice to bring you into this world.

    Another thing, be by yourself for a while. It's OK and you are no less of a woman because you don't have a man. U must know that it is OK to love yourself. Heck not just OK it is a requirement to love yourself and that you deserve it.

    Until you completely face the issues with your Mom you will continue to play them out in your relationships. When you start loving yourself, you will begin to stand up for yourself and stop taking unacceptable behavior from men and your mom. Don't be surprised, because they are gonna call you a selfish B and everything else in the book, but that's a signal that you are on the right track.

    It's also going to be a lifetime thing, meaning she will still be like this to some degree towards you. But each time you push back that lets her know that you are on to her. Women like this can get away with this behavior while the child is small because small kids have no power and are completely dependent on adults. Once you leave the house and are taking care of yourself totally the power diminishes. Do not take financial help from her when you do move out. Not ever. If you do she WILL hang it over your head for as long as she is still living. Limit contact with her and when she wants to act like a fool, hang the phone up or if you are visiting, get up and leave. Respect is a two way street...that goes for lotty, dotty everybody. People will treat you the way YOU let them treat you. Now that your are an adult, take back your power.

    I admire and applaud you for realizing what's been happening and putting it out here at such a young age. Keep it up and you young lady will be alright!! Forgive the looong response.

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  2. no thank you that was extremely insightful!

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  3. 你的文章讓我有種特別的感覺,請加油哦~~........................................

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  4. 從未遭遇失敗的人,對自己或是別人,都是一知半解的。........................................

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  5. 光這幾句話就價值連城了,讀著讀著小弟的眼眶就濕了... .................................................................

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  6. 在莫非定律中有項笨蛋定律:「一個組織中的笨蛋,恆大於等於三分之二。」.................................................................

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  7. 一個人的價值,應該看他貢獻了什麼,而不是他取得了什麼............................................................

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  8. 當一個人內心能容納兩樣相互衝突的東西,這個人便開始變得有價值了。............................................................

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  9. 好文章就值得回響,如果可以常常看到您的更新,應該是件很幸福的事情~~............................................................

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  10. 拒絕冒險和成長的人,終將被生命的潮流陶汰。..................................................

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  11. 困難的不在於新概念,而在於逃避舊有的概念。......................................................................

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  12. 困難的不在於新概念,而在於逃避舊有的概念。......................................................................

    ReplyDelete
  13. 困難的不在於新概念,而在於逃避舊有的概念。......................................................................

    ReplyDelete